Modern Day ‘If’

Original by Rudyard Kipling – rewritten for comic effect (with apologies to the writer). Suggest the reader first reads the original here: 

If you can keep your values when all about you

Are losing theirs and wondering why aren’t you,

If you can not “check-in” when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not jump on online dating,

Or if you do join up, don’t deal in lies,

Or being ‘passed’, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t call too much, nor text too wise.

If you can post – and not make FB your master;

If you can think- and not make Twitter-ing your aim;

If you can meet on Skype or Google Hangouts

And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to see the tweet you’ve tweeted

Retweeted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the start-up you gave your life to, go unseeded,

And apply to Google or Uber or business schools.

If you can make one heap of all your Chanel

And give it in one turn to the Red Cross,

Or lose all your air-miles and start at nil

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your Amex and Visa cards

To serve their turn long after the money’s gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in your bank account

Except the Will which says to the bank: ‘Hold on!’

If you can party all night and keep your virtue,

Or fly first class—nor lose the common touch,

If no ‘friend request’ accepted or rejected can hurt you,

If all Friends count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of meditation not texts,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a bit wiser than the rest!


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